i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
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