rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
