My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
