I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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