Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
