Me too!
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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