Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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