Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
