There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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