angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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