can we get nightvision for the apartment?
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
