Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
