i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
