Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
