I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Hippo gnu deer
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
