I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
