The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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