He uses pillows to masturbate.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
