I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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