I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
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I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
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10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.