I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
