my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
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I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
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I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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