Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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