you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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