how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
