yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
being pregnant is like rehab
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
