so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
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