Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
