I'm gonna have a badass scar
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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