i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
