Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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