I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
