I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
