I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Randomize
