Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
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