So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
