our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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