im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
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Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
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I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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