Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
