Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
