How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Randomize
