I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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