can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
