wakey wakey hands off snakey
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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