i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Sex in the backyard? Check.
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