Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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