I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
