I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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