sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
