I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
