he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
