Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
