In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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