i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
