Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
