Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
pop tarts are not kleenex
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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