That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
